It’s remarkable. The newest airpods can translate several major languages directly to English in real time, right in your ear. No more phrase books or suffering through the terribly awkward realization that occurs 15 minutes after you randomly ordered the tête de veau for lunch in Lyon. But just like the Navajo language was an undecipherable code that befuddled the Japanese during WWII, I have the strong sense that your airpods will never, ever, translate Valentine-ese.
Because “you really don’t have to buy me a bunch of flowers for Valentine”s Day” can mean a oh-so many different things, with translations that can change hour to hour. As can “it’s just a silly Hallmark holiday” or the dreaded “all I really want on Valentine’s is to spend time with you.” If you’re hit with that whole trifecta, good luck. No phrase book or technological breakthrough is going to save you. Period. My advice? Hoist the white flag of surrender; you’ve lost.
Or, you know, you can always go the food route. Just not chicken wings, ok? Please hear me on that. And I’d like to stress that any version of Manwich would be a wildly not-so-great call. Assuming the intent of dinner is to still have a relationship on the 15th. Maybe just put that can of sloppy joe back in the garage To save yourself, maybe put that can of sloppy joe back in the garage with the rest of your saved Covid rations. I’m thinking that the winning move is more along the lines of lobster risotto with, maybe, seared beef tenderloin. Perhaps some spinach & artichoke dip to start and then a mushroom pie with a winter arugula salad. And creamy flan and a decadent fudge brownie all with a sauce of brandied strawberries to assure a perfect finish.
The Acme Valentine’s Day Takeout Extravaganza. Pick up on Valentine’s Day itself, 2pm – 4pm. Each meal will feed two hungry lovebirds. If the spirit moves you, there will be additional sides and breads to order as well. The meal is $90 and will include heating instructions. The menu is below. Dinner that’s made with love for someone you love is never a bad idea. No translation necessary.
But I would go ahead and buy those flowers. Just saying.
Well, that’s all the news from Carrboro. The staff at Acme look forward to serving you soon.
